Copy Casey #4: Ghost Problem

It’s been two years since my boyfriend and his ex broke things off, and she still can’t seem to leave us alone. From fake numbers calling and texting him, to her stalking and liking our Spotify playlist (I know it doesn’t show who, but we both know it’s her), to making multiple fake accounts to send her friends to follow me. I want to preface this by saying that my boyfriend and I have her blocked on everything, and we don’t engage with any of the follow requests, calls, or messages she sends. Oh, and she’s been in a relationship for two years now too.

The backstory of my boyfriend, me, and the ex (sorry in advance, it’s long):

My boyfriend and I have been friends since 2023, and we’ve been dating for 10 months now. Best 10 months of my life, hands down. Back in 2023, when we were just friends, we were also messing around. At the time, I thought I was the only one he was seeing, but I eventually found out that wasn’t the case. It upset me, but I didn’t want to stop what we had—stupid of me, right? I later found out who the other girl was, and surprise, it was his ex.

I asked him multiple times if he and her were serious because if they were, I would’ve backed off. He swore up and down that they weren’t serious and that she just had attachment issues—and I believed him. Again, stupid me, because why would a good friend I was messing around with lie to me? I also never asked her directly if they were serious, which in hindsight, I probably should have. Eventually, he and I stopped messing around.

When his ex found out about us, she assumed I knew they were together, which wasn’t the case. She found me on Instagram and spammed me with messages, calling me a dirty whore and a homewrecker, and even called me multiple times. I didn’t see any of it until the next day because I don’t have my notifications on. By the time I did, my boyfriend had me blocked on everything because she told him to.

But that’s not even the worst part—her best friend jumped in too. She was also messaging me nasty things, calling me names, and just adding fuel to the fire. It was like a tag-team situation, and I was catching it from both of them.

I eventually reached out to his ex and was completely honest about what happened—I had no idea they were together. She apologized for lashing out, and that was that. Not long after, she and my boyfriend became “official.” Meanwhile, I was still blocked and, honestly, heartbroken. It wasn’t just about messing around—I really valued our friendship. And I know people will say, “If he was a good friend, he wouldn’t have done that to you,” but it wasn’t that black and white.

I kept tabs on them and found out they only lasted three months during the summer of 2023 before he caught her cheating—to get back at him for what he did to her. And guess who she cheated with? The guy she’s with now. The same boyfriend she’s been with for two years while still trying to stay in my boyfriend’s life.

I found out that while she and my boyfriend were still a thing, she jumped into that new relationship at the same time—but for the first three months of that relationship, she was still cheating on her now-boyfriend with my boyfriend, without my boyfriend’s knowledge.

I’d continue to glance at her socials occasionally, and that’s when I saw she was making Spotify playlists about me—yes, actual playlists—bashing me all over again. After they were officially done, my boyfriend and I stayed blocked and didn’t talk for almost six months.

We eventually rekindled our friendship because we share the same friend group, but I didn’t just jump back into being friends with him like nothing happened. I kept my distance and took my time because I needed to see real change in him before I could let him back into my life. And he did change. He owned up to everything he did, took full responsibility, and proved to me over time that he was a different person. Only after I saw that growth did I allow us to rebuild our friendship.

Fast forward to summer 2024—after being friends for a while, my boyfriend and I started dating. And that’s when things went downhill with his ex.

She had already been calling and texting him occasionally on those drunk Friday nights, still while having a boyfriend. But once she found out we were together, the calls and texts ramped up, and that’s when all the fake Instagram requests started rolling in. And if that wasn’t enough, she went so far as to write him a letter and somehow found his car and left it on his windshield. How she even figured out where he parks, I have no idea—but she did.

Like I said before, we don’t engage with any of it. I try to be mindful of the situation because I know what it’s like to not be over someone, and she’s only 21 (I’m 25). But I can’t respect the fact that she won’t leave us alone while she’s in a whole relationship herself. It’s like whenever her and her boyfriend aren’t doing well, that’s when she starts calling and texting.

I was also told she just wants some closure, but if that’s what she was really looking for, she could’ve asked two years ago—not when we started dating. So, I guess my question is, what do I do? Do I keep her blocked and let her keep this up? Or do we finally reach out and tell her to leave us the hell alone?

Sincerely,

A bitch who is about to crash out


Dear Bitch Who Is About to Crash Out,

The first and only time I saw Jennifer Kent’s horror masterpiece, The Babadook (2014), I cried into a pillow and stayed up the entire night. I was 19 years old and afraid of the dark. My boyfriend at the time had convinced me it would be a fun movie to watch. He was two years older than me and projected an air of sophistication. I would have followed him anywhere.

We opened the movie on his laptop, and so began one of the longest panics of my life. About halfway through the film, he paused to make sure I was okay. Clearly, I wasn’t, having cried buckets into one of his dirty throw pillows, but I couldn’t allow myself to be anything less than a Cool Girl. I told him to hit play. I wouldn’t give up.

What makes that horror movie so scary is not that there are spooky noises or a dark basement (although those elements don’t help). The scariest part is the way this simple ghost absolutely shatters the psyche of the main character and her child. Their paranoia and denial of the ghost problem only make the ghost problem that much worse. In fact, you could argue that nearly all ghost stories only work if the characters, at first, deny the ghost problem out of fear. Ghost stories breed fear, which breeds more ghost stories. We refuse to look our grief or sadness or loss in the face, and so, a ghost is born. If horror movies teach us anything, it’s that ghosts will stay until we gather the courage to look right at them. (Have you ever played Super Mario Bros? The naughty ghosts—aptly named “Boos”—can’t stalk you when you’re looking in their direction.)

You have a ghost problem, my sweet friend. If I had a ghost problem as bothersome as yours, I too would be a bitch about to crash out. I admire you for articulating your situation so clearly while being harassed. That is what is happening to you.

I want to encourage the use of blunt language here, because I think that’s the first step to solving your ghost problem. Call this problem what it is and operate from there. If you haven’t already, I would advise you to have a direct, down-to-earth conversation with your Now Boyfriend. It’s great that he’s grown and learned from his mistakes, and I believe people are capable of profound change. Even still, he lied to you and to this other girl, and he is a big reason why this problem exists. It’s not his fault that this adult woman is choosing to harass you, but we cannot let him off the hook.

It’s also clear from your writing that you are taking responsibility for your role in co-creating this situation, and I admire that about your letter. I can tell in our brief time together, my sweet Bitch About to Crash Out, that you have a good head on your shoulders. It is time to use that good head to look directly at your ghost, name it, and realize its insignificance in the grander scheme of your life.

I’m sure the harassment is beyond annoying. It’s probably, at times, terrifying. Even still, you must learn to stare at it without moving. She can like your playlists all she wants, but what war is she planning to win with petty clicks? She wants to annoy you, and it seems she is accomplishing her mission. You and I live in a digital world where we give up parts of our privacy to participate, so we must accept that strangers and unsavory characters can perceive and pester us unless we go private on every platform. It is an option for you, for the time being, to go private. If you choose to stay public, then you must treat this girl like any other troll and ignore her.

Also, if I understand your timeline correctly, this girl was newly an adult (either 18 or 19) when she was first dating your Now Boyfriend. At the risk of minimizing her feelings of betrayal, I need us to take a step back, realize the length of a long life, and acknowledge that this 21-year-old girl is acting from the place of a hurt teenager. We’ve all been there, and I imagine it’s a brutal headspace for this girl to occupy into her adulthood, whether or not she knows she’s doing it. I know when my Inner Hurt Teenager makes themselves known, I need to sit down, take deep breaths, and—out loud, literally—ask what they need. Usually, my Inner Hurt Teenager just wants to know they are allowed to be pissed and confused and baffled by the unfairness of our world.

Her other tactless behavior (calling drunk, being in a relationship with a man she previously cheated with, and making fake accounts) tells me that she has a lot of growing up to do, and as condescending as that may sound, I think she will look back at her actions one day and laugh at her wild choices.

If this girl wrote me a letter from the other side of your situation, I would say, “Sweetheart, there is a heartbroken teenager inside of you that is driving the car of your adult life, and that teenager doesn’t even have a permit. You need to pull over and let your adult self get back in the driver’s seat.” That is a metaphor, yes, but it’s nearly literal. Her pain is clearly real, and she is using it as ammunition for her trivial vengeance. I’m sorry that you are in the line of fire, but I believe that there is little you can do about it directly, at least right now.

Don’t you see that your ghost, annoying as she may be, is basically a child pulling at your pant leg, furious that you won’t give her ice cream? Once you see her for what she is, I hope she becomes less scary. I hope when you look at your ghost without flinching, she begins to shrink.

Now, to the purely practical advice. No, I do not believe you should respond to her at all. This is exactly what the hurt teenager inside her wants: attention and validation (things we all want). If you give her what she wants, she will come back for more. If you confront her, you will confirm that she matters. Don’t you see that all she wants is to matter? She can and must find that on her own, and we must believe that she will.

In that same vein, I want to dispel the fantasy that you can strike the fear of God into her with an enraged email. Intimidation is not the way to go, and I do not think anything productive can come from meeting her harassment with fury.

If you disagree with me on this particular point and believe in your heart of hearts that you must contact her, then I would ask you to begin by appealing to her better nature. If closure is truly what she needs, then maybe an apology from you will do the trick. If you choose reach out to her, then swallow your pride, apologize, and validate her feelings. After you’ve done that, you can ask her directly to leave you alone.

If that doesn’t work, do not, under any circumstances, escalate with anger and threats. Continue to block her, continue to block her friends, all while keeping in mind that she is acting from the place of a hurt child. Talk to your boyfriend about this experience for him, and allow yourself to feel frustrated that his reckless (yet forgivable and human) behavior and your reckless (yet forgivable and human) behavior helped to create the situation you’re in now. I say this without an ounce of judgment, having made many reckless decisions with married men myself and paid the price for the mess I made. Sometimes, we need to call ourselves out when we’ve contributed to our own misery, and only then can we learn.

That in mind, be kind to yourself and remember you were in your early 20s when this all started, a time famous for its incredible mistakes. The accountability you’ve developed since then shines through your letter, and I trust that you absolutely have the better judgment to see this dilemma to its conclusion.

The Babadook has a complicated ending—spoilers incoming. The main character, although she has confronted her grief and learned to live with her demons, must always feed a little food to the ghost in the basement. We don’t always get to exorcise our ghosts to completion, but we do get to choose how much power we give them.

Ghosts, like horror movies, get less scary over time. Give yourself—and your pesky ghost, scared little girl that she is—time, time, and more time. Once we see our lives for what they are, there can be no knives behind the shower curtain, there can be no creepy twins in the hallway.

Good luck with your ghost, and might I recommend The Babadook?

Always,

Casey